


All I Want For Christmas

by Sheepie



Series: Gucci & Chanel [9]
Category: Kingsman (Movies)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas fic, Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Eggsy Unwin, M/M, Multi, Smut, pronoun changes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-17
Updated: 2017-11-17
Packaged: 2019-02-03 16:19:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12751824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sheepie/pseuds/Sheepie
Summary: The holiday season is upon Kingsman. While everyone else is preparing for the festivities, Eggsy struggles with his feelings over Kay. Instead of facing them head on, he runs, and learns that not being true to yourself can only make matters worse. Luckily Harry and Merlin are there to support and help him.





	All I Want For Christmas

**Author's Note:**

> Self-betaed.
> 
> Decided to post this a little earlier than December so it'll be available throughout the holiday season! Just a heads up, there is a section where pronouns change repeatedly, and this does address issues of gender dysphoria.
> 
> For all those wondering, I fan-casted Kay as [Colin Morgan](http://www.unitedagents.co.uk/sites/default/files/styles/custom_crop/public/Colin%20Morgan%20Rankin.jpg?itok=1QgsheZd)!

            The mall was packed with people, but Eggsy wasn’t surprised since Christmas was only three weeks away. Crowds of people flocked from make-up counters and clothing racks, hunting for the best deal, buffeting around Eggsy as she stood in the center of the aisle. The overhead lights were nearly blinding and a bad rendition of _Baby It’s Cold Outside_ played over the speakers.

            A hand settled on her shoulder. Her first instinct was to tense and strike, but she managed to quell the later of the two and turned to face Kay. He offered her a paper cup of coffee and said, “Sorry it took so long, the line was ridiculous. I almost darted the woman in front of me when she started to complain to the manager.”

            Eggsy accepted the red Starbucks cup and smiled. “Thanks. And probably best you didn’t, I don’t think Merlin would be too happy.”

            “Probably not,” Kay agreed and bumped his shoulder against hers. “Decide where you wanted to go next?”

            “Yeah, come on,” Eggsy said and took Kay’s free hand without much consideration. It was natural to intertwine their fingers and head off in the direction of the Mac makeup counter.

            Since Harry’s rescue, Eggsy had found more time to spend with Kay. Work lunches turned into after mission dinners and then weekends out at the pub or dancing. When Harry or Merlin didn’t want to go somewhere, Eggsy usually called Kay. He’d become a regular fixture on nights Roxy and Eggsy went out, and had become Eggsy’s go-to shopping partner.

            Eggsy knew she was playing with fire spending so much time with him. He was the apple that constantly hung out of reach, a reminder of what she couldn’t have, and as badly as she wanted to taste the sweet flesh of his fruit, she couldn’t. She _wouldn’t_. Not at the risk of Harry and Merlin.

            She loved them too much to ever do anything to endanger their relationship. She’d never want to trade it in.

            No, what she wanted was to expand her family. And it was ridiculous, selfish when she thought of it. It already seemed strange for her to be with two men—but the possibility of three? And neither Harry or Merlin were interested in Kay.

            Kay squeezed her hand and smiled at her in that way that crinkled his green eyes and made dimples form in his cheeks, and for a second Eggsy’s step faltered and her heart raced. Staring at him was like looking directly into the sun.

            Kay wouldn’t want that either—would he? Sometimes, when it was just them and a couple pints, Kay would go quiet and look at Eggsy as if she were the center of the universe. It made it hard to talk, hard to breathe.

            “What are you looking for?” Kay asked.

            Eggsy took a long drink of coffee, washing away her mulish thoughts, and said after she swallowed, “Nothing really, I just wanted to check out some of their new stuff. See if I could pick anything up for the Christmas party coming up.”

            When they reached the counter, Eggsy let go of Kay’s hand. She immediately felt the lack of warmth against her palm, the absence of a second heartbeat fluttering in time with her own. She stuffed her hand into the pocket of her jean overalls—which Kay had good-naturedly teased her about when he saw them—and tried to pretend that she didn’t want to hold Kay’s hand again.

            Eggsy perused the makeup counter, looking over their holiday releases as Kay investigated a tube of lipstick.

            It wasn’t so long ago that Harry and Merlin helped Eggsy pick out a lipstick. The memory still brought a smile to her lips—she seldom used that lipstick because she wanted to keep it forever, a reminder of when it finally, truly, sunk in that Merlin and Harry loved her for her.

            “This is pretty,” Kay said and held up a sparkly red color. “It says Christmas.”

            “My lips will look like Rudolph’s nose,” Eggsy said, raising her eyebrows.

            “So, no glitter?” Kay asked.

            “No glitter,” She confirmed.

            One of the Mac girls came over to see if she needed anything. Eggsy had become such a frequent visitor to the counter that she’d begun to know each of the employees by name. It was comforting to know that they didn’t judge her or question her purchases. They just smiled and helped her pick out what she wanted.

            Eggsy assured the employee—Mikayla—that she was fine and wandered over to Kay, who held up a nice matte red victoriously. “What about this?”

            “Let me try it on,” Eggsy said, holding her hand out.

            “I’ll do it,” Kay said, his gaze traveling to her mouth as he held the lipstick up to Eggsy’s lips.

            Eggsy almost told him no, but instead said, “Sanitize it first.”

            Kay nodded sagely, like he was taking mental notes of Eggsy’s instructions, and grabbed a wipe from the end display to clean the tube of lipstick. He then took Eggsy’s face in his hand, his long fingers skimming along the sharp length of her jaw. He smoothed his thumb along her bottom lip, gently plying her mouth open.

            Eggsy drew in a shallow breath, the rest of the world dulling as Kay brought the lipstick to Eggsy’s lips. She held Kay’s gaze, unwilling to look away, caught in a magnetic pull that kept her rooted to the ground. He slowly dragged the lipstick along her mouth, expertly applying it.

            This close, she could smell his cologne. She liked the oaky richness of it, the way it was comforting. It suited him, an earthy scent that matched the green of his eyes. She studied the layers of colors that swirled through his irises and inhaled his musk. There were different hues of green, too many to name, all layering over one another like a dense forest.

            She could spend hours staring into his eyes and mapping the patterns the colors made, connecting the flecks of gold that sprinkled them as if she were charting constellations.

            When he finished, he let go of Eggsy’s jaw and the breath she’d been holding released in a shaky exhale.

            “Beautiful,” Kay murmured, this time his smile almost sad.

            Eggsy looked away, finding a mirror so she could see for herself. The red matched her jumper and complimented her complexion. It was a cooler shade, with blue undertones that gave it a sensuous hue.

            Merlin would absolutely love it.

            The thought left Eggsy sick with guilt. She forced a smile and said, “It looks good. I think I’ll get it.”

            Kay picked up his coffee he’d set aside and nodded. “You’ll be the star of the party.”

            “You’re attending, right?”

            “Maybe,” Kay said with a shrug.

            Eggsy didn’t push, though she wanted to insist that Kay come. It was the first real party Kingsman had ever thrown, an opportunity for agents to meet the other various facets of the agency.

            “Come on, I saw something else I wanted. Let me check out and then we can go check out the game store,” Eggsy said.

            Kay perked up at the mention of the video game store. “The new Call of Duty is in. Maybe I’ll pick it up—and then kick your arse on it.”

            Eggsy scoffed and carried her purchases to the counter. “You wish, bruv. I’m a way better shot than you.”

            “Maybe in another dimension,” Kay said, his tone lighter, the tension broken.

            Neither mentioned the lipstick the rest of the day, burying the memory deep under cups of coffee and expensive purchases and holiday gifts.

* * * *

            Eggsy straightened his tie in the mirror as he observed his reflection with a critical eye. The tube of red lipstick he recently purchased sat on the counter, still unused. The party was two days away and Kay hadn’t mentioned yet whether he was going. Eggsy picked up the lipstick, removed the black cap, and twisted the tube.

            “Eggsy, breakfast,” Harry called from downstairs.

            Eggsy quickly twisted the lipstick back down and re-capped it. He set the tube on the counter and left the bathroom, forcing himself not to glance backwards.

            Harry hadn’t fixed a full English breakfast, but he’d certainly prepared enough to feed an army. Eggsy dropped a kiss on Merlin’s cheek as he passed and shared a quick kiss with Harry as he walked to his seat. Harry deposited a rasher of bacon onto Eggsy’s plate and said, “Don’t forget we have a round table meeting today.”

            Eggsy groaned. “Another one?”

            It seemed to him they’d been having one meeting after another. He felt like he’d spent more time sitting at that table than out on the field.

            “Yes,” Harry chided. “Needs must, and we have to discuss the upcoming conference at the start of the year. Since we’ll be hosting the leaders, we’ll need to review assignments and security measures.”

            Eggsy slathered a piece of toast with marmalade. “Russia coming?”

            While he didn’t look up when he asked, his flat tone made it clear how he felt about one of their eastern counterparts. The last time they’d dealt with the Oprichnina had been when Bulgakov had kidnapped Harry. Eggsy still didn’t trust them, even if they’d elected a saner Ivan than they’d had in the past.

            “Aye, they will,” Merlin said and met his gaze across the room, a silent challenge for Eggsy’s lip. “And ye will be a proper gentleman, correct?”

            Eggsy clenched his jaw. “Sure guv. Whatever you say.”

            “Eggsy, everything will be fine. And we still have time till they come. Focus on the upcoming party,” Harry said, trying to appease him with a smile.

            Not wanting to sour the day with his surly mood, Eggsy forced a smile of his own and nodded. “Yeah, all right.”

            They finished breakfast, cleaned the dishes, and then headed into work. Eggsy packed up some of the food in plastic containers to take to Kay. He found him in one of the break rooms, nursing a cup of coffee and what looked like a candy bar.

            “No, put it away,” Eggsy ordered, snatching the chocolate from him. “That is _not_ breakfast. You’re an agent, for Christ sakes. At least eat a bowl of cereal.”

            Kay grunted, much like he did every morning before he’d had his second cup of coffee. “Haven’t been grocery shopping.”

            “For the last week? This is the third time I’ve seen you eat a Yorki for breakfast.” He shoved the bag of containers at Kay. “Here. I had a feeling you’d need this, so I brought you some _real_ food.”

            Kay blinked and accepted the bag. He opened it up and pulled out some of the containers. It wasn’t much—the toast wouldn’t have transferred well, and the eggs would have gotten congealed on the 45-minute trip, but the bacon, beans, and vegetable-potatoes mix Harry had prepared would reheat well.

            “Did you make this?” Kay asked.

            “No, Harry,” Eggsy answered without thinking about it. He immediately regretted it when Kay’s gaze dropped briefly, a flicker of hopelessness falling over him.

            Eggsy wished he’d made it.

            Eggsy wished he didn’t feel guilty for wishing that.

            He pointed at the food and said, “Eat real food, not junk.” He took a big bite out of the candy bar.

            “Hey,” Kay said. A smile twitched at the corner of his lips. “Thank you.”

            Warmth swelled in Eggsy’s stomach. He tried to tell himself it was the noxiously sweet candy he’d just taken a bite out of. He forced himself to swallow the bite of Yorkie and hastily said, “No problem. I, uh, got to go finish some paperwork before Merlin ships me off to Greenland again. Don’t forget there’s a meeting later, okay?”

            He didn’t wait for an answer, he fled the break room. He didn’t make it far. He crashed into Merlin on his way out, crushing the candy bar between them. Eggsy stumbled back, dropping the crumbling remains of the Yorkie to the floor.

“Fuck, I’m sorry Merlin,” Eggsy said.

He could feel two pairs of eyes on him. Eggsy didn’t know who to look at, so he kept his gaze fixed on the mess of chocolate on the floor.

“Are ye all right lad?” Merlin asked.

“Fine,” Eggsy said and forced himself to look at Merlin. “I was just going to finish that paperwork you need.”

Merlin nodded and stepped aside. “See that you get it in before the meeting,” he said, his gaze narrowed. Eggsy could feel him watching him as he rushed out.

When he reached his office, he slammed the door shut and collapsed against it. “Shite,” Eggsy hissed.

What was that?

What was wrong with him?

He needed to get his shit together before he not only lost a good friend, but ruined the best relationship he’d ever had.

* * * *

            He watched Merlin and Harry sleep, not willing to move much since he was secured between them. Both were light sleepers and would start at the slightest movements. He’d disturbed them out of many slumbers just trying to get to the bathroom.

            The sweat was still cooling on his skin, and it left a chill as the crisp air settled. The comforter was pooled around his waist, leaving his chest bare. There were bites scattered over his pectorals on varying size and shape, and he could map out which ones were from Harry and which ones were from Merlin.

            He should be happy. He should be pleasantly snugged between them, drifting off to a restful sleep.

            He should be _satisfied._

But he wasn’t. He wasn’t satisfied.

            He never seemed to be.

            He carded his fingers through his hair, drawing his knees closed to his chest. There was a seesaw in his brain. It kept going up and down, back and forth between more and enough, don’t touch and take, boy and girl.

            Ever since he was a kid he’d always been wrong. He couldn’t even decide if he was a boy or a girl. He couldn’t decide on one partner. No, he had to love two, and now three?

            Who fell in love with three people?

            It wasn’t normal. It wasn’t right.

            He’d never been normal, never been right.

            He was tired of the up and down. He wanted off.

            Eggsy studied Harry’s face, tracing the curve of his nose with his gaze. He loved Harry so much that sometimes he thought he might die. A part of him would never be complete without Harry in his life.

            He tipped his head, setting his cheek against the tops of his knees. And Merlin. His resilient Merlin. The man who found a space in his soul, who brought him from the edge. He was tied to both, forever bound. If the threads were released, Eggsy knew he’d never stop falling.

            But no matter how full their bed was, it wouldn’t change that it felt empty.

* * * *

            The party was in full swing, and for the most part she’d been enjoying herself. Despite Harry’s initial party planning, they hadn’t gone with the string quartet and the waiters in black ties. Eggsy was sure it was the most dressed down event Kingsman had ever hosted. The music was supplied via an iPhone and while there was food circulating the party, most of it was displayed on a buffet table.

            Eggsy made her rounds, having lost both Harry and Merlin twenty minutes after they arrived. Merlin was called off to handle some matter with the sound system and Harry was shuffled away by Percival. That left Eggsy to her own devices.

            She hadn’t caught sight of Kay, and while she knew it was cruel, she couldn’t say that she was upset about it.

            Things had been far from ideal over the last few days leading to the Christmas party, and the only person to blame was Eggsy.

            Roxy found her just as she caught sight of Kay, who offered a smile and raised his glass. Eggsy returned the smile, but like the coward she was, she fled to another corner of the banquet hall.

            “Where’s Harry?” Roxy asked, snatching two flutes of champagne from a passing waiter. She offered one to Eggsy.

            “Percival wanted him to show off the sweater he’s wearing,” Eggsy said. “Mum made it and he insisted on wearing it.”

            “Oh no, it’s not… oh _my god_ , it is.” She stared slack jawed over Eggsy’s shoulder and she followed her gaze to where Harry stood, surrounded by Percival, Tristan, and a few of the R&D lads. The sweater was a bright green with a giant Rudolph head, complete with red puff ball for a nose. “Well, I don’t know if I’ll be able to take him seriously at the next round table meeting.”

            “Lay off, mum was proud of that,” Eggsy said with a laugh. It was an awful sweater, but she didn’t have the heart to tell her mum. Besides, they all had one. Merlin’s featured a red-nosed Santa and Eggsy got a snowman with three black puffball coal buttons. “Besides, you know you like it. Or, you better.”

            “She made me one, didn’t she?”

            “Not saying, you’ll just have to wait and see.”

            She did, though. Roxy’s proudly displayed a Mrs. Claus.

            “Great,” Roxy laughed. Her gaze jumped past Eggsy, her smile widening. “Hello Kay.”

            “Lancelot,” Kay greeted. Eggsy’s spine stiffened and she forced herself not to look. “Galahad.”

            “I’ll be right back Eggsy, Amelia is signaling for me,” Roxy said. “Good seeing you Kay.”

            Eggsy almost reached for her as she walked off, oblivious to Eggsy’s plight. Eggsy glanced at Kay and forced a stiff smile. “I should look for Merlin.”

            Pain flashed across Kay’s eyes, and guilt suckered punched Eggsy. She turned before she could think too much about it and headed for the door.

            “Eggsy, wait,” Kay called, and to her dismay, he followed her. She maneuvered around a few of the girls from IT and abandoned her flute of champagne on a table. She made it to the door when Kay grabbed her by the arm and turned her around. “Did I do something to upset you?”

            “What?” Eggsy asked, exasperated.

            Kay let her go and shrugged helplessly. “You’ve been avoiding me all night—for the last few days. Did I say something?”

            “No, of course not,” Eggsy said.

            “Then what’s going on?”

            “It’s nothing, you’re fine,” Eggsy said, sharper than she meant.

            Kay raised an eyebrow in response. “Then why does it feel like I’m just bothering you?”

            He looked so sad, and it twisted through Eggsy. She didn’t want to hurt him. She wanted him happy. She wanted to _make_ him happy. And that was the problem, wasn’t?

            “You aren’t, look Kay, I should—“

            “Galahad, Kay,” Merlin suddenly said, appearing beside them. He smiled and looked up. Eggsy followed his gaze, her stomach dropping to her feet. “Ye both seemed to have found the mistletoe. I do believe that means ye have to kiss.”

            Eggsy looked at Kay.

            Kay’s hand was on the back of her neck, his thumb against the base of her skull. His fingers were large and secure, his palm hot enough to burn, and god it was so _satisfying_ , and she needed to pull away.

            Her feet were lead, leaving her rooted in place. Kay leaned down. When his mouth touched hers, she was transported back to Bulgakov’s office. It was chaste in comparison, the slightest parting of lips, the faintest pressure, but it was enough to flame the fires.

            When Kay pulled away, his lips were stained red with the lipstick he’d chosen. His hand slipped from her neck, and with it, reality came crashing down.

            “I need to leave,” Eggsy croaked.

            She shoved past Merlin, barely registering his shout as she raced through the estate’s halls.

* * * *

            All Eggsy’s life, she’d questioned who she was. When she stared at the mirror, she never just saw a face—it was always a stranger. Always someone else staring back at her as she tried to figure out _who_ she was in the reflection.

            Why couldn’t she be happy with what she had? Why did it always feel like she wanted more? That she needed something else?

            Boy? Girl?

            Her existence constantly in question. It could never be neatly placed in a check box. There wasn’t a fix for her, for who she was, and that left her swinging like a pendulum between genders.

            For so long it had been her greatest shame. And then Harry and Merlin came along. And her existence didn’t seem so confusing. The swinging of the pendulum didn’t matter, because wherever it swayed, she was still her, still loved and accepted.

            But now, now everything was about to get disrupted because she just couldn’t be _happy_.

            It was only a kiss. A small mistletoe kiss.

            But that kiss had been everything.

            Eggsy went home. She could face a ring of underground spies. She could take on drug lords and sex traffickers and save the world from complete annihilation, but god was she not ready for this. She wasn’t ready for the immense weight of what this all meant.

            She wiped the lipstick from her mouth with the back of her hand, smearing the perfect red across her skin.

            Boys aren’t supposed to cry.

            But neither are girls.

            Yet, here Eggsy was, a sob strangling her and her cheeks black with running mascara.

            Her phone rang several times during the car ride back home, but Eggsy kept sending it to voicemail. When she reached the flat, she stripped out of her dress and left it at the foot of the stairs.

            JB watched her with a cocked head, whimpering as Eggsy staggered up the stairs, her legs wobbly like a newborn calf’s. He followed her up, barking when Eggsy didn’t greet him.

            “Not now JB,” Eggsy croaked and stumbled into the bathroom.

            She turned on the shower, twisting the knob so hot water filled the room with steam. JB paced back and forth, whining as she kicked her shoes off and struggled out of her bra. She tossed it to the floor.

When she stood in front of the mirror, her chest was flat and her makeup was smeared across hard, masculine features.

            Eggsy just didn’t know anymore—she—he—he didn’t know. Her bottom lip trembled, and his eyes brimmed with fresh tears.

            He—she—stripped out of her underwear, untucking her cock, and stepped into the shower. The water stung, but she remained under, letting it wash over his face. With trembling fingers, he wiped at the makeup and broke down the mascara. She continued to scrub at her face with the back of his hand.

            Eventually she gave up and let her head fall back. Her entire body felt like a great big hand was pressing down on it. Maybe there was. Maybe it was God pushing him into the earth, returning her to the clay. Maybe then she could be remade so that she was right, that he was _normal_.

            Her body folded as she crumpled to her knees. He gathered his legs to his chest, pressing his forehead against his knees, and let the shower wash him away.

            There had been a moment during the water test, when he’d sucked in his last breath of air, and the water submerged him, that he’d considered letting it go. It’d been the briefest flicker of peace, a split-second of hope that maybe the pain could end—it was the same weightlessness he’d get when Dean would push him underwater. Under the water he no longer heard the screams and declarations—no one could tell him how wrong he was.

            Eggsy buried his face into his knees, curling one arm around his head to shield his neck. The shower sounded like the ocean and all he wanted was to let the tide take him.

            He didn’t notice the water turn cold. He didn’t hear the front door open or JB bark. Everything sunk into the depths until suddenly a hand reached down and pulled him up.

            Strong fingers took a hold of his chin and lifted his head. Eggsy looked up at Harry.

            “Darling,” Harry whispered.

            “I’m sorry,” Eggsy croaked.

            “Good lord, look at you. You’re freezing.” He switched off the water. Eggsy realized belatedly that he was shivering. Harry retrieved a towel and held it open for Eggsy.

            Eggsy stood, bracing himself against the wall as his legs trembled under his weight. Harry wrapped the towel around him and rubbed his hands up Eggsy’s arms.

            “Why are you here?” Eggsy asked. His voice sounded distant, like he was hearing it from under the water. “You should be at the party.”

            “Merlin found me when you ran off—darling, what happened?”

            Eggsy’s chest tightened painfully. He searched Harry’s face. How did he explain that he panicked? That kissing Kay had been like kissing him or Merlin. That he was ridiculously and ardently in love with him, just as he was with Harry and Merlin. That his feelings for Harry and Merlin were no less strong, but Kay had somehow found his way into Eggsy’s heart.

            “I…” Eggsy’s throat clicked.

            How did he tell Harry that he loved a selfish silly boy who liked to wear dresses and make believe in happy endings? A silly boy who didn’t deserve his love.

            Harry sighed and directed Eggsy into the bedroom. He sat Eggsy down on the bed and took a seat beside him. “Darling, I can’t help if you don’t speak to me.”

            Eggsy bit his bottom lip. When Eggsy didn’t say anything, Harry gathered his hands in his own and said, “Merlin told me you kissed Kay under the mistletoe. Does it have to do with that?”

            Eggsy nodded, avoiding his eyes.

            “You’ve been avoiding Kay lately. Did he say something to upset you?”

            Eggsy shook his head, focused intently on the fluffy towel. He picked at some of the fabric.

            “Will you tell me, or shall I continue to guess?” Harry asked, crooking a finger under Eggsy’s chin.

            Eggsy lifted his gaze, his heart in his throat. He knew he should speak up, that he shouldn’t be a coward, but for the first time, he couldn’t jump off this precipice. He would rather face the parachute test again.

            “Okay,” Harry said. “Well, I’m going to tell you what I think it is, and I want you to tell me if I’m correct. All right?”

            Eggsy nodded again.

            “I think you have a large heart, that it’s so big it can’t be contained to one person. I think you’re confused and it’s making you scared. I think you’ve started to realize that Kay is special to you, but you’re afraid of upsetting Merlin and I, so you’re trying to pretend that nothing is there.”

            Eggsy’s breath hitched. “Harry…”

            “Am I right?”

            He nodded.

            “Darling… you silly, silly boy.” Eggsy flinched. Harry gathered his face in his hands and ran his thumbs along his cold cheeks, swiping away droplets of water. “I’ve never met anyone with your capacity to love. You don’t give Merlin and I enough credit. We’ve seen the way you look at Kay, and the way he looks at you.”

            “But it’s not right,” Eggsy whispered.

            “Like it’s not right for you to love me and Merlin? Who says it’s not right? Society?” Harry smiled and brushed damp strands of Eggsy’s hair from his face. “Love can’t be defined by society or other people, just as your gender can’t be. You are who you are, my darling: one of the most caring people I know, and there is nothing wrong with you opening your heart to another.”

            “Harry…” Eggsy croaked.

            Harry pressed a kiss to Eggsy’s chilled forehead, his lips burning against his flesh. “There is nothing wrong with you, with who you are and who you love.”

            Eggsy sunk into Harry’s embrace, suddenly tired and boneless. He would have remained there forever, if someone hadn’t knocked at the door. Merlin slipped in, worry creasing his brow.

            “Is everything okay?” Merlin asked.

            “It’s going to be,” Harry said.

            “Lass… I hadn’t meant to upset ye. I thought perhaps if you had a wee bit of a push, you’d open up,” Merlin said.

            Eggsy sniffed and wiped at his nose with the back of his hand, earning a disapproving look from Harry.

            “You did that on purpose?” Eggsy asked.

            “Aye. And I’m sorry. It’s just, Harry and I knew how you felt, but you kept running.”

            Heat crept up Eggsy’s neck. “Does everyone know?”

            “Everyone but Kay,” Harry said, one arm still around Eggsy.

            “Kay… he’s probably so upset with me. I’ve been awful to him.” How could Eggsy make it up to him?

            “Well, ye could always apologize.”

            “Do you think he’ll even want to speak with me after I ran off like that?”

            The idea that he lost Kay, even as a friend, left Eggsy heartsick.

            “Well, why don’t you find out?” Harry said.

            Eggsy glanced between him and Merlin. “What do you… is he _here_?”

            “Down stairs,” Merlin said and stepped aside.

            “Let’s get you dressed and you can go speak with him,” Harry said.

            “I… _thank you_.”

            “We only want ye happy,” Merlin said.

            Eggsy changed into a pair of comfortable trousers and a t-shirt. He didn’t put back on his makeup. He didn’t fix his hair. He was bare, the varnish stripped away until he was fully exposed.

            Merlin and Harry waited upstairs, assuring Eggsy that they would be here waiting when Eggsy was done. Eggsy descended the stairs one step at a time, his hand sliding jerkily down the railing as he held on. Kay was waiting by the door, fidgeting with the sleeve of his wool pea coat.

            He looked up and guilt pressed down at Eggsy when he saw the worry on his face. “Eggsy,” Kay whispered.

            “Hey,” Eggsy said, coming to a stop at the foot of the stairs. His dress was still there, crumpled in a red pile of silken fabric.

            “If I did something Eggsy, I’m _so_ sorry,” Kay said, taking a step forward before stopping himself.

            Eggsy held his hand up to cut him off. “You didn’t, I promise.”

            “Then why have you been so distant?”

            Eggsy drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. Kay deserved the truth just as much as Harry and Merlin, and Eggsy had been running for long enough.

            “Because I didn’t know how to tell you…”

            “Tell me what?”

            “That I like you,” Eggsy said. He shifted from foot to foot, wrapping one hand around his bicep and hugging his arm close to his chest. The confidence he could usually draw on was gone, peeled back with the rest of his walls.

            “I don’t understand,” Kay said. He searched Eggsy’s face, his brows knit close as he tried to piece together what Eggsy said. “Why would that upset you?”

            “Because… I don’t mean I like you as a friend,” Eggsy said, working around a lump in his throat. “I mean I’ve started falling for you—the same way I fell for Harry or Merlin. And I didn’t know what to do, so I ran.”

            When Kay didn’t say anything, the doubt began to creep back into Eggsy’s stomach. His fingers twitched against his arm.

            “You don’t have to reciprocate,” Eggsy blurted out. “I don’t expect you to—I know that it’s weird and crazy and wrong, and I’m sorry. We can just stay friends, we don’t have to change—”

            Kay closed the distance between them in two large strides, cutting Eggsy off with a firm kiss. His arm wrapped around Eggsy’s waist, pulling him close until their bodies were flush together, and he coiled his other hand around the back of Eggsy’s neck. Eggsy melted into him, bringing his arms around Kay’s neck.

            It wasn’t like any of the kisses before--filled with hesitance and fear—it was the rush of wind against his face on a spring day, it was the first breath after breaking the water, and it was the exhilaration of running so fast it felt like he was flying. It was soft and firm and teeth and tongue, hungry and thirsty. Kay took from Eggsy as much as he gave.

            Eggsy still held Kay close, even after they parted. He pressed his forehead against Eggsy’s, his breath short as he said, “I’ve always loved you.”

            “Why didn’t you say anything?” Eggsy asked.

            “How could I? You’re with Merlin and Harry.” At that, Kay started to pull away. “Wait, are they all right with this?”

            Eggsy pulled him back, not letting him slip away. “Yes,” Eggsy said. “They knew before I said anything.”

            Kay huffed, dropping his forehead back down against Eggsy’s. “There’s nothing getting past them.”

            “No, the old fuss pots.”

            “We heard that,” Harry called from the top of the stairs.

            Kay separated from Eggsy, turning to face them. “What does this mean?”

            “It means we have a lot to discuss,” Harry said, coming down the stairs with Merlin. “But most importantly it means: welcome to our family, Colin.”

* * * *

            Eggsy woke on Christmas morning to snow on the windowsill. There was the faintest chill in the air when he reached out from undertow of blankets towards the spot Harry usually occupied. The bed was empty, spare another body, which was draped over his own. Eggsy retracted his hand and pressed his back against Kay’s chest.

            Kay nosed his way along the curve of his neck to his ear, murmuring sleepily, “Good morning sweetheart.”

            Eggsy craned his head around and smiled at Kay. His dark brown hair was sticking at odd angles, a curly mess that rivaled Harry’s untamable locks. Eggsy brushed a strand from Kay’s eyes and whispered, “Merry Christmas.”

            “Merry Christmas to you too,” Kay said and dropped a kiss onto Eggsy’s nose. “Think Santa brought you what you wanted?”

            Eggsy squeezed Kay’s hand. “Oh, I know he did.”

            Kay smoothed his palm over Eggsy’s ribcage and hummed in response.

            Eggsy couldn’t think of a better Christmas present to wake up to than being with the men he loved. The Christmas party was now a distant memory, a nightmare he viewed through a fogged window.

            “Did Harry and Merlin go down stairs?” Eggsy asked, though he already knew the answer. Where else would they have gone?

            “Yeah, they went down a little while ago,” Kay said and shifted so his body covered Eggsy’s. “We have a few minutes before breakfast is ready.”

            “Don’t you want to go open presents?”

            “The only present I want to open is right here in bed,” Kay said, impressively keeping a straight face.

            Eggsy snorted and wrapped a hand around the back of his neck. “Dork. How long were you working on that line?”

            “For about ten minutes now,” Kay said with a toothy grin. He kissed Eggsy, tasting slightly minty—he must have brushed his teeth already.

            Eggsy sighed into the kiss. There were distinct differences between Harry, Kay, and Merlin. They each went about the process their own way. Harry, for all his gentlemanly ways, kissed like a rake in a 1980s romance novel—filthy and thorough, leaving Eggsy breathless. Merlin, while no better, went about it in a slightly more controlled way, with a palpable dominance. The only time Merlin relented beneath Eggsy were in those few moments he needed to decompress and Eggsy donned the persona of Mama.

            Kay, his sweet, beautiful Kay, kissed him like they were on the silver screen. It was a leg-lifting, toe-curling, bubbles in his stomach, kind of kiss.

            Kay slid under the blankets and Eggsy lifted them enough to watch as he slipped lower, pressing open-mouthed kisses to Eggsy’s chest and stomach. He grazed his teeth over the sharp v of Eggsy’s hipbone and dragged his mouth down to his aching cock.

            “God, I can’t believe I get to taste you,” Kay whispered, flicking his tongue out. Eggsy dropped his head back with a throaty moan. Kay swirled his tongue around his tip a few times before blowing a puff of cool air along the damp head. “I’ve dreamed of this so many times—you beneath me, my tongue on your dick, you fucking my mouth until I’m hoarse.”

            “Shit,” Eggsy hissed and reached down to squeeze the base of his cock. Kay didn’t help when he sunk down on him as far as Eggsy’s hand would allow. Kay’s mouth was a hot wet channel that Eggsy wanted to fuck into, but he was torn between his need to lose himself in softness of Kay’s throat and to have Kay pound him into the bed.

            Kay lifted off Eggsy with a shit eating grin, knowing perfectly well what he was doing to him. His eyes had gone black, and Eggsy started to wonder if maybe Harry had started to become a bad influence.

            “Maybe later. I think I’ll need to talk today when the guests arrive,” Kay said. He slipped lower, pressing kisses to the trembling inside of Eggsy’s thighs. He lifted one leg over his shoulder leaned forward, pressing Eggsy’s knee towards his chest.

            He offered Eggsy his fingers, and Eggsy sucked them down, taking them all the way to the third knuckle.

            “Fuck,” Kay moaned into Eggsy’s shoulder, pressing his pelvis against Eggsy’s.

            Eggsy wrapped his tongue around Kay’s fingers and enthusiastically pantomimed a fellatio. Kay withdrew his fingers with a flourish and reached between their bodies, finding Eggsy’s hole. He circled a few times, teasing his entrance with damp caresses, before pressing a finger.

            He was already a bit loose from last night. Harry, Merlin, and Kay had both taken turns on him. He’d become a receptacle for them to fuck into, each one emptying a load into him, and then allowing the other to fuck it back in. Eggsy had happily laid there, a cum dumpster for them to relieve themselves in, and when they weren’t fucking into him, they were feeding him their cocks. He honestly doesn’t even recall whether he came or not—though he’s sure they would see that he did. He’d been so zoned out by the end, that he’d only been slightly conscious of being bathed off and cared for afterwards.

            Kay curled his fingers inside Eggsy, pressing against his prostate, which he seemed to have a nearly preternatural sixth sense to find. Eggsy moaned, not masking the throaty cry that ripped through him. If they’re lucky, Merlin and Harry would hear and come up to join them.

            Kay took his time opening Eggsy up, using his fingers to stretch the already loosened muscles even more, until Eggsy was sure he could fit his whole hand in. There hadn’t been a repeat since Merlin last fisted him, but Eggsy decided he wanted to have another go—and this time to push himself more, take them each, one at a time, until he was absolutely gaping. Or maybe he could convince Kay to allow them to do the same to him.

            While Kay was an active member in their bed, the relationship was still so new, and Kay seemed reserved to actively participate with Merlin and Harry. He was fine when his focus could be poured on Eggsy, but he seemed hesitant when it was interacting with either of his superiors. Eggsy was sure they could find a way to work through it.

            Kay slid his fingers out and replaced them with seven inches of thick cock. Eggsy curled his other leg around Kay’s waist and clung to his shoulders. Kay was so much more slender than Merlin and Harry, and it was easy to wrap himself around him like Eggsy was climbing a tree.

            They kissed sloppily, brushes of lips as Kay thrust shallowly into him. It was a lazy pace, set by the cool air that sent goosebumps over their damp skin, and the scent of cinnamon permeating up the stairs. Eggsy dropped his head back, his throat clicking with each gut-wrenching moan.

            Kay heaved over him, his hips rolling with graceful undulations, pressing deep into him. He maintained the almost lackadaisical pace the entire time, even as he grabbed Eggsy’s cock and stroked him in time to his thrusts.

            Eggsy’s orgasm wasn’t a lightning strike or an earthquake. It was a tidal wave. The slow, beautiful withdraw, a foreboding knowledge that something great was coming, and then suddenly he was consumed and drowning in euphoria. He cried out, clinging to Kay like he was the only thing keeping him tethered, and really, he was—Eggsy was sure he’d split apart and scatter into the snow, otherwise.

            Kay toppled after him, his thrusts growing choppy and aborted, until he buried hilt deep and came inside Eggsy. He held himself up on his forearms, body trembling as he struggled to catch his breath. Eggsy sought out his mouth, kissing and biting his lip.

            Eventually Kay pulled out and retrieved a cloth to wash Eggsy off. They hopped in the shower when Eggsy’s legs could work again, and thoroughly cleaned off the mess, before slipping into a comfortable pair of clothes and heading downstairs.

            Merlin and Harry were waiting for them, wrapped in robs and sipping cups of tea on the couch.

            “Look who decided to grace us with their presence,” Harry said without any infliction. His eyes crinkled as he smiled. “Breakfast is ready.”

            “Good, I’m starving,” Eggsy said.

            “I’m sure you are,” Merlin said with a salacious grin. He stood and looped an arm around Eggsy’s shoulder. “Come on lad, let’s get ye refueled.”

            Kay hesitated for a moment at the edge of the living room, standing close to the stairs like he might flee up them again. Eggsy looked back at him, heart in his throat. Before he could say anything, Harry offered Kay his hand. “Are you coming along, darling?”

            Kay flushed and took Harry’s hand, stammering, “yeah.”

            As they settled down for Christmas breakfast, Eggsy looked around the table. He still remembered the first time he sat in his seat. Harry had prepared the table to teach him about proper table manners. Back then, Eggsy had not only secretly harbored his love for Harry, but also who he was. He’d never believed he would be able to accept himself—and even now, it was an ongoing struggle—and he certainly hadn’t thought he’d have a family to come home to.

            Despite the odds, Eggsy had found his family and happiness, and it was truly the greatest Christmas gift he could ever ask for.


End file.
